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Talk:April 12th Mind Story/@comment-6083512-20150102231312
Review: First of all I want to state that I thought that this was a very good creepypasta, it created a nice eerie sense which lingered throughout and from about midway through I actually felt a sense of dread. I also found myself very immersed in the storyline and wanting to know what happens and I do have to admit that I did enjoy the characters a lot. Generally whenever I read a story of any kind I feel that the most important part of the story is always the characters afterall you don't want to read an entire book based on the environment or the events of a location, you want to read an entire book about the characters in the environment reacting to the events. The characters were indeed likable and I found myself able to identify with them and I wanted the relationship to work out. However my flaw with this is that my desire for the relationship to work out I feel was less based on me liking the characters (though I did like them) but more based on me not liking the antagonists for the majority of the story (the parents). I also feel that the main character could have done with a bit more development. I mean this in the sense that the focus of the pasta seemed very much on Helena while Martin was included in the mindfuck. Now that's not neccessarily a bad thing and the focus on Helena worked very well, but my problem is that it caused a distraction away from the development of Martin. He was described as a loner and very logical at the beginning but I soon found myself forgetting this very quickly and as something which is very important in the sense of the mindfuck at the end it felt sort of skimmed over. As it was the only way I knew he was "logical" and a "loner" was because I was told that he was. Now I know that in the grand scheme of things he didn't change at all because he remained a loner and Helena was found out to be a delusion of his but a lot of the focus at the beginning is his "change" from being a loner to being more open as he broke down his "mental walls". So I would have liked to see a bit of a slower more hesitated transition so we have a bit more time to digest the fact that he's meant to be this logical person and a loner. Next I need to talk about the relationship between the two main protagonists: Helena and Martin. I like the relationship and I do feel it was developed very well to the extent that I DID want to see it succeed even when I found out that she was a delusion at the end. However while the characters together and their relationship was well done individually I felt they fell a bit flat. Now I do understand that for most of the pasta they are together and so it makes sense that the main focus would be on the relationship and that is what the main focus should be on and that works in the sense of the mindfuck. Now while I don't know if your intention had much to do with leaving a sort of sad feeling in regards to what happened between Martin and Helena and finding out that Helena is actually a delusion but if it was the main problem here is the characters. Individually they needed more development and i'm talking about Martin more than Helena here. I feel that with more development for Martin this could have been a pretty sad mindfuck pasta as well. Now while I don't know if this was your intention or not I did seem like that a bit at the end so that's my thoughts on that. Now since this is a mindfuck I do need to adress the mindfuck itself and I do have one or two problems with it. Now before I begin I do need to clarify that a good twist in any story has to make sense, let's take the Sixth Sense for example (Spoiler alert): You find out that the main character was a ghost at the end which you didn't see coming but that doesn't neccessarily make it a good twist. However what makes it a good twist is that it makes sense you see how it can work and you can say: "Yeah. I can reach that conclusion but it's not the one I would have." To an extent you've done that here and I can sort of see how the mindfuck works and yes I feel that with without too much reaching I could reach that conclusion. That's not to say I don't feel it couldn't have been done better. First of all what seems to be the biggest thing leading up to it and hinting at it is that the character is a loner and very logical and in the sense of schizophrenia that does make sense. However as I stated above I found myself quickly forgetting this and it ended up creating a bit of a weaker twist at the end because if you've forgotten the crucial piece of info above, the twist will never hit you as hard. While you are reminded of the fact a few times throughout the story I still kept forgetting this info and would have completely forgotten it if not for having gone back and read the beginning again at one point in the story. This is because nothing in the story seems to hint or suggest him being this logical person apart from the fact that it outright tells us. As a result I would have liked a bit of a more stalled and staggered transition from logic to emotional because it felt a bit like a sudden change that doesn't make much sense to me. I do understand however that some people aren't particularly fond of long pastas but that's just my opinion overall. Another problem I found with the twist was the pictures. Now pictures in a creepypasta CAN be very helpful but I have one big flaw with the pictures here. They show Helena and I kept asking myself after having read the pasta: How does one take a picture of a delusion? And yes it seems a bit nitpicky but it didn't make sense to me and I lost some immersion in the overall twist because of it. I probably sound very critical and probably quite hypocritical especially considering any time I try to write a creepypasta it seems to turn out terribly but I do understand and can review stories and pastas. Final Verdict: A very well written creepypasta with a nice eerie feeling to it and a sense of dread lurking around there leading up to a well constructed twist at the end. However a bit more development for the main character and a bit more support for the twist at the end would be nice and certainly welcome. 9/10 Skullking55